


In Which Spider-man Reconsiders his Friends and his Job

by twIInGemIInII



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Fantastic Four, Spider-Man - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-13
Updated: 2014-11-13
Packaged: 2018-02-25 04:48:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2609099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twIInGemIInII/pseuds/twIInGemIInII
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Daily Bugle is constantly giving Spider-man shit, so his friends decide to do something about it. He wishes they wouldn't. (A short thing I wrote instead of my history paper. )</p>
            </blockquote>





	In Which Spider-man Reconsiders his Friends and his Job

Peter needed to reconsider his friends, in an introspective two hour-long session, with a therapist. And maybe a couple tequila shots and the Rhino knocking him out. As usual, it started out rather normal. Pleasant weather outside, a tad too hot, but it could always be worse. Like, everything was on fire around him worse.

Trying to pay for college with photography was difficult, and trying to be a vigilante superhero was also mildly stressful, especially with midterms coming up. Trying to be a superhero and take pictures of yourself for a newspaper that hates you to try to get by was also rather terrible. Before this day, Peter hadn’t known what it was like to have your superhero alias’s friends come over and try to threaten you to stop taking selfies, but so far he found that quite unpleasant as well.,

He had come home one day after classes, exhausted. Tiredly, he threw his stuff on his bed and heard his textbooks go up in flames.

“Hello, Peter! Can we talk?” Johnny Storm, AKA the Human Torch, AKA The Largest Asshole Alive sat smugly on his bed (and he had just washed them…), palm still lit. Seeing no further prompting from the college student, he smiled and continued on. “Great, I knew you wouldn’t mind!”

Peter wasn’t quite sure what it was about; There were many things it would’ve been: his identity, him ratting Johnny out to Ben last week, stealing the last slice of pizza, etc. None of them really boded well for him. 

A look of fake concern on his face, Johnny explained, “You see, you work with the Daily Bugle, don’t you? It’s not bad, great photos you take there, but, I’m going to ask you to stop doing…” He trailed off to wave his arms in a generic motion,” that.” 

Peter kept his secret better than Danny Phantom ever did, but he had dropped a truly ridiculous amount of hints, suggesting that “Peter Parker” and Johnny meet up for lunch. Either he was too subtle or Johnny was just an idiot, probably the latter. “You know how Spidey and I are friends? Well, the Daily Bugle doesn’t paint him in a very good light.”

“I’m going to go ahead and assume that I know better than anyone.” He wanted to say it, he really did but watching Johnny continue on seemed more amusing than actually finishing his paper.   
Johnny actually managed to interpret his silence incorrectly as confusion, “Look. i know the economy is hard, but the world’s a cruel place-” His words was rather abruptly stopped by the crash and tinkle of shards of glass hitting the floor.

“What the fuck?” He got up, dropping the ridiculous cool guy act he’d adopted for intimidation purposes (not that it worked or ever would.) No one ever expects Deadpool, but there he is, rising from the pile of glass on the previously already dirty carpet, acting as if this was his home to mess up. 

If the two of them didn’t pay him back for the damage, he’d get Daredevil to help him sue the two. Although, it would be difficult to force Deadpool into a proper legal court.

Jumping up and brushing off lodged shrapnel, the mercenary pulled out a gun and without any preliminary indication, fired a warning shot next to Peter’s head. He dreaded inspection, bullet holes are kinda hard to explain.

With a mad grin per usual of him, he started rambling. “You. stop harassing Spidey. You see this gun? I can fire it into your head! I have a permit!”

He was rudely cut off by a pissed Human Torch, “No you don’t, back off! I was dealing with it!” His head started flickering with flame. Peter prayed that he didn’t spontaneously combust, he didn’t have nearly enough for just half of what repairing the wall would cost. 

“All you did was talk! What good’s that gonna do?” Laughing at the angry blonde, the mercenary shrugged, flaunting his arsenal of weapons, “Just convince him to give up his livelihood by talking? Yeah right!” 

Johnny cut him off again, this time with fire. It caught Deadpool square in the face, lighting the man on fire. Peter was getting a severe headache. Ash dropped to the ground as the man healed himself. His burns and deformed smile were visible for all the world to see. The mercenary himself could heal, but his suit did not. 

Grinning in Johnny’s direction, he lifted his arm and shot a solid round towards the other, who dodged it easily. Sighing, Peter retreated to the back of the kitchen in his tiny two room apartment. 

“Oh no you don’t!” Johnny noticed and turned towards him. 

 

“There’s a madman shooting at your head and you choose to focus on me?” As previously mentioned, he needed new friends. 

To exentcuiate his point, a bullet grazed the man’s arm. “You, don’t die!” He plunged right back into the small battle waging in Peter’s trashed bedroom.  
“Didn’t really plan on dying anyways, but, sure!” Sarcasm served Peter well through times of peace, distress and sheer stupidity. This was completely ridiculous, very easily avoidable and more annoying than an army of mosquitoes, but it categorized under option number three.

He couldn’t even muster up the energy to flinch as his blender blew up. He just added it to his mental list of things to get reimbursement for. He turned his head rather slowly and lazily as Wade came flying towards him, crashing into the fridge and getting up right away. A calm sidestep was all that was needed when the Human Torch burned through the supposedly “stainless” steel of his oven. 

“I really hate you all, I hope you know that.” His words were unheard over the din of the ongoing cat fight between his two friends. “You guys are shitty friends, you’re paying for lunch next time. And the time after that. You know what, you’re buying me food for a month.” A chair leg sailed over his head in response.

The Human Torch came hurtling towards him. “We’re getting you out of here. Hold on.” Peter groaned as Johnny lit on fire, save for his hands, and crashed through a window. At least he backed up most of his work, he really didn’t want to redo it after today. Attempted kidnapping from a superhero and a mercenary made one very drowsy. In addition his window edges were probably melted.

He briefly wondered if there was any insurance company that covered superhero damages, there should be. They’d probably lose a lot of money in the city, however. 

“Can I ask where we’re going or for you to slow down so my face doesn’t burn off because of air resistance?” If Johnny went around doing this with every girl he picked up, he’d have a hard time explaining broken arms at least and bleeding corpses at worst. Did he ever take any basic high school physics?

The superhero glared at Peter and reluctantly slowed down. his obvious distaste for the photographer was written all over his face. Peter waited for an answer, but all he got was scowling. 

“You don’t have any clue, do you?” johnny turned around, pointedly ignoring Peter. That was all the answer he needed, “You really suck at this, are you going to pay for my apartment or do I actually have to ask Deadpool to pay me back? I don’t think he actually has any spare money.”

“Why should I pay? You still have ta’ quit your job at the Daily Bugle.” There was a reason why everyone hated him.

Peter complained, “You know, I kinda do have to go through college you know. Plus, I don’t write the articles, I just take pictures.” Hre would’ve shrugged but Johnny wasn’t looking at him anyways, but it was also kinda hard to do so while flying through the new york city skyline. 

“Yeah, and everyone hates my friend thanks to your goddamn newspaper. Do you know what thats like?” Yes, Peter did. He knew exactly what it felt like, “I mean, I hated him at first, too,” The feeling was mutual between them, it took a while to warm up to each other, “But he’s a good guy and he tries his damn hardest. Give him a break, okay?”

While it was flattering and all to hear Johnny talk about him, it was also going in circles, “I told you, I don’t write the articles. They’d take the pictures either-” This time, he was rudely cut off. By a missile. 

Johnny narrowly avoided it, crashing into the side of another building and melting through the glass side of the Avengers tower. Peter was thrown to the side, thankfully. It was no trouble to get flung against walls, but having the Human Torch was something he couldn’t really heal from.

“What the fuck?” The owner was in the room apparently, and so was the rest of the team. You’d think with all the time they put in superheroing (was that a word?) they’d stop being surprised when someone gets flung through their window, followed by a mercenary. 

Johnny pushed himself up, and shifted into a defensive stance, facing towards Deadpool. “Remember when we discussed getting the Daily Bugle to stop writing about Spider-man? Well, someone else had the same idea, just a different approach.” 

It was nice, in a way, that they all cared so much. It was also pissing annoying. Peter watched as Deadpool started blabbering away and the others responding in a typical fight banter that Peter himself liked to participate in. Their’s lacked in sarcasm, however. 

As shots were fired and Deadpool started dying, Peter decided to pretend his life was a movie. Maybe then, he could forget about the fines for the room he’d soon have to face. Stark didn’t have that much in his cabinets, as of the moment. There was a box of poptarts, some whiskey, bourbon, vodka… wait, this was the wine fridge.

He moved on to the next one. It had more pop tarts, some popcorn and another bottle of whiskey squirreled away. Popcorn would have to do.

“JARVIS? Thanks for not telling Tony, really.” Tony Stark’s AI was truly a masterpiece. With voice recognition, he had pinpointed who he was in seconds, but Tony apparently had actually respected his wishes of anonymity and never asked. 

“It was no hassle.” He gave JARVIS a thumbs up in appreciation as he typed in the time for the microwave. Right now, the AI was his favourite in the room, what with everyone else trying to kill each other and force him out of his only source of income. 

Deadpool, in the meantime, was having a shit-load of fun. Blowing up the Avengers Tower was a blast, and he’d definitely have to do it again, and soon. But for now, he was living in the present. After a round of two, Iron Man had managed to get his arm covered in armor. He, presumably, did not use the rest as to try to save his building. 

They were, however outnumbering him and overpowering him. Slowly, very slowly, but they still were, and Wade knew it. They were fighting to protect the photographer, so what better way to end it then to just blow him up already. During the fight, he had managed to sneak away to the kitchen. He was staring, impatient at the microwave. 

He stopped fighting, “I wonder what he’s cooking?” At his ceasefire, everyone else turned to look at what he was staring at. The steady whir of the machine was accompanied by small random pops. 

“Is he making popcorn?” Wanda lowered her hands, staring incredulously at the college student. 

“Pop, pop, pop,” Deadpool hated silence, “BOOM!” A well placed rocket effectively propelled the Avengers and it’s shooter backwards while burning the popcorn to ashes, along with a good part of the kitchen tiles and oven. 

“Shit!” Johnny was the first to get up, running over to the remains of what was once a nice marble island, “You asshole!” He yelled at Deadpool, “You weren’t supposed to kill him.”

Wade smiled behind his mask and shrugged. “Too late!” He turned to leave through the busted window, only to be stopped by Iron Man firing a hole through his heart. He dropped dead.

“Ugh, really?” The Avengers turned to glare at the mercenary, “Your carpet, not mine.” Widow bent over and gagged his mouth, firing a couple more shots through the brain to keep him down for a little longer as she tied him up.

Then, there was silence (for the most part, what with Deadpool still mumbling through the gag on the floor) as Johnny searched through the wreckage for the remains of the body. The others stared on expectantly, waiting for the body to turn up, blackened and life-less. 

After several minutes of searching the small space, Johnny got back up and shrugged, his face distressed. Steve raised an eyebrow and walked forwards to help. Still nothing turned up. Everyone looked at each other. The rocket should’ve left something for them to identify the man with. Teeth, bones, heavily bleeding wounded flesh thats been categorized by the fire; brain mush, at the very least! Still, nothing was found, despite several minutes trying. 

“You guys are shitty friends.” On the defensive, all the people occupying the room turned towards the ceiling behind them, from where the voice originated. Peter Parker hung from the ceiling by web, a bag of popcorn in his unoccupied hand, “Seriously, you burnt a month’s worth of homework in an instant and put me even further debt. College is expensive, and I can’t afford to pay for the wasteland that you turned my dorm into. I hope you’re paying, because if not, I’m not talking to you.”

More silence followed, except for Deadpool who was yelling joyfully behind the gag. “What the fuck?” Johnny was the first (well, second) to speak, “Spider-man?”

Peter turned to his friend, “It’s flattering and all, but I think I will continue to take the Daily Bugle’s shit and get paid so I can continue my education, thanks,” he chewed and swallowed some more popcorn, keeping in air by clasping the web with his feet alone, “You’re rich, and the rest of you didn’t go to college with this shitty economy. In fact, I’m pretty sure half of you haven’t actually attended college. It’s really fucking expensive these days, especially in the city, and i can’t just leave, I gotta take care of family, you know?”

The other superheroes in the room were willing to stay silent and let johnny speak, “Wait, what? You take pictures of yourself… for money? ...to pay for college?” 

Peter responded by nodding as he chewed more corn, “Jealous? I’m probably the only person who gets paid for my selfies,” Eating upside down was kinda annoying, “Want some popcorn?”


End file.
